Cancelled our date night last minute to go out with the boys? It’s okay babe, that’s totally cool have fun! We’ve been dating for 6 months and you still don’t want to define the relationship because “labels just make things complicated” – honestly babe that’s ok I’m cool with it let’s keep it super casual no pressure! Want to write SUCKER on my forehead with a Sharpie because that’s what I am? Oh my god babe of course WOW you’re so damn innovative! In fact, please do it in tattoo – I’m so chill no one will probably even notice!
Sound familiar? Just a few moons ago, I had a boyfriend who – when we first started dating, would tell me I was so cool. Cooler than all of his exes! I was his “rolldog” and me like the smitten fool that I was, took that as a form of validation and even worse endearment. After quite some time (and some problems) his lingo started to change. He would say things like “You used to be so cool, What happened?” “You would never complain this much.” “Why can’t I just have my cool girlfriend back?” Coooooool girlfriend? Eh? Ohhhhh you meant that submissive doormat that was too scared to speak her mind? The one that played it so cool you could run her over and she’d say do it again?! That was the girl you wanted? Turns out we just weren’t that compatible yet it was funny how once I began to set boundaries, ask for the things I knew I deserved, spoke my mind and held him accountable I was no longer “cool.” I realized that in trying to be so cool I was actually discrediting my own wants, needs, emotions and feelings. Something too many women do.
It took way too long before I realized this was no way to go about relationships or dating. We all want to be liked, want things to work out, and want to feel desired. It’s a basic need for survival. But I knew it shouldn’t have compromised what I was actually cool with. In doing so we act in ways that aren’t really true to who we are. Even worse, we lose sight of who we aspire to be. I don’t see a problem with working on something with someone. The issue arises when the need to be liked outweighs how much we actually like ourselves.
Too many of us have forged relationships or situationships where we’ve downplayed our genuine emotions, and played up the personality traits that men find attractive. It’s a bullshit act that can’t be kept forever. So exactly how do you get around being the cool girl that never gets all she needs?! Let’s get into that!
Step 1- Don’t Ignore the Red Flags – During a recent phone conversation with a friend he said, “Tarol, we will continue to do whatever you let us get away with and it’s funny how far I’ve pushed those limits.” Jokes on us because he’s right. Too many of us, too scared to stir the pot or be single, settle for the bs that is playing it cool. We’re too busy laying low, we’re not demanding the change we require for ourselves or even, the next generation of women. You think Cardi was playing cool when she said she went through his phone last night and found somethings she didn’t like? No, she wasn’t and guess where Cardi’s at right now? Married.
Step 2 – Not being cool doesn’t mean you have to be aggressive – Now, In no ways do I condone the insecure behavior of going through phones or solely aspiring to marriage. A nontoxic relationship is usually the goal and it’s pretty clear being the cool girl just isn’t enough. With that said, speaking up doesn’t mean we have to be aggressive in our approaches. There’s no need to badger someone but if that means you have to set some boundaries, then set those boundaries. If that means you need to ask questions, ask some mf questions. But keep the lines of communication and understanding open. If the actions don’t line up or you feel like you have to hide any part of your emotions because you don’t want to look stupid, he ain’t the one for you sis.
Step 3 – You can’t be scared to let everything go – In the end, It was funny how I spent years pretending that I didn’t care, when deep down I cared way too much about not upsetting the other person and not enough about my damn self. The truth is, there have been times when I’ve struggled to voice my frustrations in my relationship out of fear that I would jeopardize my potential with that person. However, the reality of the situation is if they or even I lost interest, then surely, clearly, they were not for me. And if I, you or any girl in the world has ever compromised some aspect of herself or felt the need to be anyone other than herself that I say, stop being “cool” and start being you.
As always, thank you for reading and sharing a piece of your day with me. If you would like to share a personal story or feedback I highly encourage you to do so and share this post with a friend in need ♥♥♥♥♥♥